I try not to keep it a secret that I have disabilities and a physical illness which often affects me negatively. I don’t want to act like these things are shameful or keep me from my dreams. But they do affect my life in major ways, and usually not positive ones.
I have severe ADD/ADHD and an illness called Postural Othostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, or POTS for short, as well as peripheral neuropathy, which works in tandem with my POTS. Most people know what ADD/ADHD does. For me it seriously inhibits my concentration and focus making it hard to get stuff done. You probably don’t know what POTS or peripheral neuropathy are, though, and I’ll spare you the nitty gritty. What POTS does though is cause extreme weakness and fatigue, as well as diziness when I stand. And the peripheral neuropathy causes my feet to burn like I’ve just walked ten thousand miles in a desert.
All of this together makes life pretty hard sometimes. It’s hard to wake up and want to get out of bed and get work done when you feel completely unrested and your feet hurt. This is why two adjunct symptoms of POTS are depression and anxiety. Of which I now have both.
People with illnesses or disabilities often try to smile it off. “Yeah, I’m limited, but I try to focus on what I do have, what I can do,” they say. What they don’t tell you is it’s damn hard. At least when you first are diagnosed. It’s hard to feel like everything you’ve ever wanted is slipping away from you all because your body failed you when put to the test. And that’s not your fault, but it feels like it is.
I know I don’t have it hard, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. My life will never be the same and some days it feels like some part of me is gone forever. I know that’s probably the depression talking.
I’m not trying to make this a pity party and be all, “Boohoo, Lila.” It’s just, I need a place to put my feelings and someone to listen and not be all, “Look on the bright side!” but just be like, “I understand, that’s rough.” And here feels like the right place to do it.
I’m sorry if you don’t want to hear this, but I can’t always be cheerful. That’s not what these “On A Personal Note” thingies are about. They’re about honesty and this is how I honestly feel at the moment.