On A Personal Note

On A Personal Note | Being Scared Shitless

Hey. You. Yeah, you!

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: I scared shitless now.

Yes. Now. At this very moment. I’m terrified.

To be honest, I’ve been depressed and scared for days now. I have a midterm today and I already failed my last midterm. So what did I do. Logically (*sarcasm*) I avoided my fear, meaning, practically speaking, I just didn’t study.

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Yeah. You can bet I’m feeling pretty stupid right now.

But more than feeling stupid, I feel even more depressed and anxious and just scared out of my mind. And I don’t know what to do. Yeah, I know, “breathe in, breathe out, deep breaths, blah, blah, blah…” but that doesn’t work for me for a number of reasons.

So here’s what I’m gonna do. Like the good little scientist I am, I’m going to map out the worst that could happen…

fail test–>academic probation–>i have one quarter to fix this shit show, but for some reason I can’t–>I’m temporarily dismissed from school–>I have one year to do something “productive” with my time before I can apply for readmission

that’s as far as I wanna go for now.

Okay. Okay. Deep breaths. I can do this. Be brave, Lila, be brave. Deep breaths. Okay. It’s not so scary. Okay.

What do I do now though? They say deep breaths and mapping out the worst should make you feel at least 50% better, but I don’t.

 

I just don’t know what to do right now and I’m scared.

I’m sorry if this is all over the place but my mind is so scrambled by fear right now.

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12 thoughts on “On A Personal Note | Being Scared Shitless”

  1. Oh my! I am in a very similiar situation. The exam I have tomorrow is considered one of the most difficult and guess what; I started studying just yersterday. Panic is everywhere but look at me… here I am wondering what am I doing with my prescious time *facepalm*

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My advice: Let it go. Go do your best and maybe you’ll surprise yourself. Maybe you know more than you think. All you can do at this point is try your best. Nothing can change what you didn’t do. And if the worst happens, you use that as motivation to make the changes to get yourself where you want to be. 🙂 Everything will work out for the best in the end. I’m a firm believer in that. Good luck! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hope you are doing fine, Lila. I actually just felt that way last Friday — mine wasn’t a midterm but rather a usual test. However when I left that classroom I felt so disappointed and raw & I didn’t know how to feel honestly. I obviously don’t completely understand where you are coming from, but I can relate. And I really do hope that you are feeling more positive & you’ve become more aware of how intelligent & wonderful you actually are (despite how you felt for that midterm)
    Please don’t be afraid to chat with me — I am here! 🙂

    -Jess @jbelkbooks

    Liked by 1 person

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